Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
