Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
