Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
