I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
