fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sarcasm needs its own font
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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