He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
