I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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