First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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