I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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