Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
