I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
