god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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