stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
