Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
