I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
