Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
