My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
