I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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