We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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