i barfeds in our rink
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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