Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
