one word: firstdatebathroomanal
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
