No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
