that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
