the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
