The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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