apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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