ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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