Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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