I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
