I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Your dad touched me again.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
