And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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