My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
