So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my liver is dry heaving
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
