I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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