Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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