All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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