This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
