I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i drank out of a bidet.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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