I wish life had little blips of pornography
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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