i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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