I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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