Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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