So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
