somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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