if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
