I can text with my tongue
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
