The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Success! We fucked roommates!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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