my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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