Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
