just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
