Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
