I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
