If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
