i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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