my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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