I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
