If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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