My girlfriend figured out who you are.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
