If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
