I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it was like eating out sand paper
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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