I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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